The Parody of Nonsense
by egopygmepuff92
Summary: AU, OCs, celebrities, MarySues. It is quite ridiculous, but it will make you laugh. Please read the first page, it will explain everything. Rated M for language, adult themes and weirdness.
1. Please Read: A Brief Outline of the Stor

**A Brief (or maybe not so brief) Outline of Our Story,**

**And Why Some of You Will Want Us Dead**

**Before you read the rest of the story, please take a few minutes to read this small nugget of information. It should make things a lot clearer when you read the rest of the story.**

This story was started in 2005 at a sleepover at Lulu's (emopygmepuff's) house. She grabbed a notebook, threw it to Cat (egolust92) and said "write down what I say". Lulu said a small paragraph, which Cat copied down, and then it was Lulu's turn to write. However, Lulu did not stick to what Cat was saying, it got twisted somehow along the way, and that's how this story began. We no longer write what the other says, we write what we want.

We each take it in turns to write sections, and it has now spanned over 40 A4 pages, back and front.

To be able to tell who wrote which part, emopygmepuff will **be in bold **and egolust92 will _be in italics._

We will try to split the story into easily digestible chunks, so there will be a lot of chapters.

We expect to get a lot of bad reviews for this. Although it does stick loosely to the original Harry Potter stories, there are modifications. We know it is pretty much AU (alternate universe), there's bound to be some Mary-Sue, there are loads of new characters we have created, and some celebrities feature in it too. I know there are authors out there that do not like this kind of stuff, but please, **DON'T LEAVE NEGATIVE COMMENTS FEATURING THE ABOVE. IT'S A WASTE OF OUR TIME AND YOURS. **Authors of such negative comments will be blocked from reviewing the story again. We only want positive comments. The whole purpose of publishing this story is to make people laugh, not vomit and cry.

If you have read this page first, please include **(Y) **in your review. That way we can recognise who accepts the way this story is written, and who has paid attention to us rambling.

Enjoy the rest of this story,

**Emopygmepuff **and _egolust92._

More commonly known as _**egopygmepuff92.**_


	2. It Reminds Me of Before I Was Born!

**Chapter One**

"**It Reminds Me of Before I Was Born!"**

_Once upon a time, there was a boy called Harry Potter. Next sentence please or I'll have to get my hippogriff to claw you. He attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with his two best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. You will have to hurry up with the next sentence because my hippogriff is getting rather edgy. He was talking to Ron and Hermione. Harry was telling them about a fantastic new song from World War Two called Jitter Bug and it goes a little something like this:_

_Jitter bug,_

_Jitter bug,_

_Jitterbug_

"_I love this song," said Harry. "Because it reminds me of before I was born."_

**And at that moment, Harry's girlfriend Courtney whatever her name is and her friend Scarlet came in talking about giving the boys crabs for Christmas.**

"**As I said," continued Scarlet. "My crab shortlist is Harry, Ron, Hagrid, Snape, Seamus the happy lezzer, Neville the elephant, Ding Donger the school virgin and Dancing Monkey."**

"**OMG!" screamed Courtney "A crab just bit me!"**

"_Oh, hi Harry!" said Scarlet._

"_Hey, my hunky hippogriff," said Courtney._

"_Hermione, I have been dying to ask you, is the rumour true that you gave Professor Snape a blowjob?" asked Scarlet._

"_Why, yes, but I think he enjoyed it," she replied._

"_You slut," said Courtney._

"_I know," Hermione answered back._

_Suddenly, Dean Thomas walked in with a t-shirt saying "I'm staying a virgin 'till I'm 40"._

"_OMG, it's the '40 Year Old Virgin' film at Hogwarts!" Ron said, breaking the silence._

"**Honey, you can talk," Hermione addressed Ron. "Every time I come near you in a house elf outfit and a whip, you run as fast as you can in the other direction. If anyone wants to be a forty year old virgin, it's you."**

"**Well you said you were going to lose it with me," Ron informed everyone.**

"**I broke my promise. I rode Viktor Krum's broomsdick! He caught my golden snitch!"**

"**By the way, I haven't got crabs, she has," Courtney said, pointing at Scarlet.**

"**Okay, I have," Scarlet admitted, "I got them from Dancing Monkey," silence ensured. "Whatever, I'm going off to brush a nit comb through my pubes," and Scarlet walked off.**

**Hermione and Ron didn't talk for a long time after that.**

"**You'll never guess what happened to Professor Flitwick! He was walking in the forest when I unicorn shoved his horn somewhere," Ron said.**

"**Well, whether his screams were of pain or pleasure, we'll never know," Harry said as tiny Professor Flitwick hobbled past, his bum looking a lot bigger than usual. A look of severe discomfort was plastered on his face. The four friends said "Pain!" together and walked past Flitwick, kicking his ass as they passed.**

"**Well, that was a surprise, because I never knew he liked cock. Or now we could call it 'horn'," Hermione said with a Welsh accent.**

"**You don't think he was feeling 'horny', do you?" Ron giggled.**

"**Again, Ron, you shouldn't make fun when you can't have a wet dream that isn't about a man."**

"**You're the only gay in the village!" Courtney said, impersonating Daffyd from **_**Little Britain**_

"**Hogsmead village," Harry added.**

**­­­­­­­­­­­­­**

So there you go, chapter one.

Just a few notes though, so please read before you post reviews:

Dancing Monkey is a nickname for Draco Malfoy. It came about by watching _PoA_ movie, and if you look, he has a ring on with the initials 'DM', so we substituted them to mean 'Dancing Monkey'.

The 'song that reminds me of before I was born' is the introduction for '_Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go'_, which we do believe is by Wham!, and we do know it is an eighties song, but it just sounds a bit WWII.

The 'broomsdick' innuendo is obvious, but if some of you didn't realise, the 'caught my golden snitch' joke is about losing your virginity.

Ding Donger is Dean Thomas. Don't even ask how that nickname came about.

And last but not least….

The house elf outfit is what we think a wizard substitute for the muggle maid outfit, seeing as wizards have elves, not maids.

We told you there would be OCs and Mary-Sues, but there are also films and TV shows mentioned too.

And yes, we know our sense of humour is quite strange.

Love and liquorice wands,

Lulu & Cat.

(emopygmepuff and egolust92 AKA egopygmepuff92)


	3. I Call It: Slippery Snake!

**Chapter Two**

**I Call It Slippery Snake**

**Scarlet had just entered the Slytherin common room. She quickly ran upstairs and brushed her pubes. Scarlet then went downstairs and waited for Dancing Monkey. Full stop. She squealed like a pig when two strong arms wrapped around her waist from behind, and then she knew who it was: Seamus the happy leprechaun. She looked around and saw it was Dancing Monkey. **_**'I need to sort out my Spidey senses!' **_**after that little mishap, they started singing "See the little Goblin" and it goes a little something like this:**

**See the little Goblin,**

**See his little feet.**

**See his little pointed hat,**

**Isn't the Goblin sweet!**

**And with that, they started making out. Whilst walking upstairs to Dancing Monkey's room, articles of clothing kept falling off. **_And with that you can imagine what happened next, so we'll skip that part._

_During potions, Hermione was talking to Courtney and Scarlet about what happened between her and Viktor Krum._

"_Well, it happened in the summer holiday, Viktor came over for a visit," _**she said. "We got talking and one thing led to another and before we knew it, he was screaming 'HERMY-OWN-NINNY!'"**

"**Don't worry. Scarlet screams 'Oh, Monkey!' I heard her the other day," Courtney told Hermione.**

"_Yeah, and Courtney shouts out 'Harry, oh hunky hippogriff!'" and with that they started to laugh out loud enough so Professor Snape heard._

"_And what, may I ask, is so funny?" he snarled._

"_Well, sir, we were laughing about what name you shout out when you're having sex," said scarlet. "So, what is it then?"_

"_My little slippery snake," he blushed and with that the whole class roared with laughter._

_At the end of the class, Hermione, Scarlet and Courtney said bye to everyone and walked to their next class._

"_So, do you really shout out 'Oh, Monkey!'?" Hermione questioned._

"_Yeah, and I swear I heard monkey noises as well," Courtney replied._

"_It's for a dramatic effect, duh!" Scarlet said._

"_Potty's girlfriend, you go out with Pothead!" sang a voice from above._

"_Shut up, Peeves, or you'll be having a horrible encounter with the Bloody Baron," Scarlet said._

"_His encounters aren't horrible, they're quite pleasurable, actually, just like last night!" said Peeves._

"_YUK!" said the three girls at the same time, and they walked away, just as Peeves zoomed off._

Sorry this chapter is so short; it just made sense to end it here, as there are no other places soon that it could stop.

And for anyone who's wondering, the '_See the little Goblin'_ song is from Blackadder series two, when he gets drunk and has two parties at once.

And now Lulu wants to watch it and sing along.

Remember folks, positive reviews pleasen.

Love and liquorice wands,

Lulu & Cat.

xxx


	4. A BJ Here

**Chapter Three**

**A Blowjob Here and a Wank There**

_In Ron's room, he and Hermione were getting dirty using dildos, wipes, creams and vibrators._

"_That was amazing!" puffed Ron. _

"_Too bad we didn't use the edible underwear. I got apple flavour," smirked Hermione._

"**That is just too dirty," said Ron. "For that I might just have to…" and he whispered in her ear what he will do.**

"**Ooh, that's naughty!" Hermione said as Ron disappeared under the covers.**

"_Ooh! Ickle freckle face and Bushy McBush Bush are at it!" It was Peeves. "Can we have a threesome?"_

"_Bloody hell! No, so bugger off!" shouted Ron and at that Peeves disappeared._

**In Courtney's room, Harry and Courtney were also, I guess you could call it 'Playing quidittch'. They, unlike Ron and Hermione, were against such hardcore ways of showing affection. Well, there's a wank here and a blow-job there, but that's about it. But today, they were making romantic love with no sucking or licking involved.**

"**I love you Harry," Courtney said.**

**Harry froze. He could hardly believe it. Suddenly, Peeves appeared from nowhere. "If someone said that to me when I was doing what you're doing, I'd get down to it quickly!"**

**It was a good night for baby-making all round. In the deserted Slytherin common room, Malfoy was bumming Scarlet by the fireplace. It was so vigorous that Scarlet got thrust into the fireplace and singed her pubes. Luckily the damage was not bad so they carried on, but moved somewhere that was not hot and moving. Like Ron's underpants.**

_The next morning in Muggle Studies, Scarlet and Draco sat together as Professor Turnip was explaining how to use edible underwear. Malfoy slipped his fingers into Scarlet._

"_Draco, stop it or I'll give you a blowjob under this table in front of everybody," she whispered._

"_Oh, please do!"_

_And at that remark, Scarlet got on her knees and started giving him a blowjob._

"_Miss Scarlet, do you mind? I'm trying to teach," shouted Professor Turnip._

"_Just because I know how to pleasure Draco doesn't mean you have to watch!" said Scarlet, and she continued until the end of the class. By that point, Malfoy's dick had shrunk, and he needed to go to Madame Pomfrey for a growth potion so he had a bigger and better dick than before._

_When Draco arrived in his room, Scarlet was there naked and leading him over to her._

"_I heard what the growth potion did, and I want it right now!"_

_She smirked wildly, and I presume you can guess what happened next so let's continue with the story._

_­_

Well, children…

Sorry for the wait and sorry if this chapter is short, more shall be coming as it is now the Christmas holidays and our mock exams are over!

Lulu's mum found the folder we keep the story in and read some of it… needless to say, Cat is now kinda embarrassed to look at her mum as it was some of Cat's sex scenes Lulu's mum read.

So, until next time…

Love and liquorish wands,

Lulu & Cat (or _**egopygmepuff92**_)


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